One day, while working with a client, I enjoyed his self-discovery as he talked about how he was shaped professionally and how he was able to function and succeed in the workplace.
Our client focused on very real strengths and capabilities. His eyes lit up as he reeled off story after story of successful teams and projects, and recalled his promotion from a junior role to a senior executive position within the company several years prior.
Unfortunately, despite all of that, my client shared with me that he felt somehow stuck, stalled in his job, with no path forward in sight.
“What do you think is going to get in the way?” I asked.
My client sat in silence for a long time, and I waited. He began to speak haltingly, then stopped talking altogether. A frown came over his face, and I noticed an emotion welling up within him. Sensing something deep inside him had been triggered, I remained silent for a moment, and gently asked:
“Tell me what you’re experiencing right now.”
The client had tears in his eyes and answered slowly: “I remember a few years ago…”
have been waiting.
“I worked as the project leader for many months. We developed a cutting edge product for the industry and we were all very proud of the result.”
“Tell me more about it,” I said.
“Then the week came when we had to present to the CEO. We were all prepared and excited. The VP asked us to do a preview the day before. He gave us an hour, and we nailed the presentation.”
“So what happened?” I asked.
“After we finished, my boss sat down with a sulky look on his face and told everyone to leave the room except me. He then started berating me, and at times yelling at me. He told me the project was a ‘huge failure’ and that I should be ashamed of myself for leading it. He said he was going to kill the project and tell the CEO that it wasn’t ready yet.”
I paused for a moment before pressing further, “Something else must have happened. At least, that’s what I get from your body language and facial expressions.”
“Yes,” he said regretfully, after looking away and letting out another deep sigh. “He waited two months, then proposed the project as his own. Shortly thereafter, he was promoted. He’s been bitter ever since, and swore to never do more than he was told.”
“That’s a lot to carry,” I said, and then after a long pause I asked, “Would it be ok to pursue it a little further?”
He nodded and continued speaking, slowly at first, then the words came pouring out.
What emerged was a theme I’d heard from many clients over my decade as a professional coach: a boss (and I’m not using the word “leader” here intentionally) had broken trust, belittled them, and made them feel small. My client, like many of my clients, had carried the memory deep inside, even as he repressed it. When he spoke about that specific incident (he told me I was the first person he’d ever heard the whole story from), the juxtaposition of that past experience with his current (and very real) well-developed capabilities and desire to grow in the organization was incredibly powerful for him.
I often explain to my clients that by “naming” it, you can “tame” it. For my client, working through these memories and the emotions that came with them was a huge breakthrough for him. Over the next few sessions, I saw his confidence grow as he explored more options with intention and enthusiasm. He did the hard work of understanding that one bad boss didn’t have to derail his trajectory of success. He learned that while he might be dragging that boss down, he no longer controlled him. This turned out to be just the perspective he needed to get back on track and reinvigorate his sense of success.
