There is no such thing as perfect parenting. This is how Becky Kennedy, aka Dr. Becky, is breathing a huge sigh of relief. He considers himself “a clinical psychologist turned disruptor in the parenting field,” she says. luck. There is effective However, raising children. “And the key to effective parenting…is what I call strong leadership,” she says.
Her solid leadership model taught through her coaching company Good Insideaims to help parents understand their role, their children, and how to help their children develop the skills they need in life. “Not just to improve behavior, but to actually become fully functioning, successful adults,” mothers tell their children, ages 7, 10, and 13.
Kennedy emphasizes that a big part of this type of parenting is raising children to be resilient, confident, and successful in their futures. And to achieve that, she says, we need to “optimize children’s long-term resilience.”
Here, Kennedy explains how to continue this approach in your day-to-day parenting.
choose your battles wisely
“There are moments when we optimize for the short-term well-being of our children,” Kennedy admits. “I’m a human, so sometimes I’m like, ‘You know what?’ Fine, just have some ice cream for breakfast.”
But she stresses that for a certain percentage, parents need to be “greedy for the long term.” This means it’s important to keep in mind your children’s future, as they will likely be living away from you for many more years than they will. I’m with you.
“I think the risks are only going to increase,” she says. “Also, knowing that the single greatest gift I can give my children is the ability to cope with difficult things, to have the skills to cope with whatever happens in life and to be able to overcome difficult situations. I believe that.”
Kennedy believes that this, more than anything else, will give children “greater progress in life.” “Life is hard…and our children don’t get the skills to overcome hardship as a birthday present. They don’t get it by reading books. Those skills aren’t taught over and over again. You can learn it by practicing.”
Stop constantly fixing everything for your child
It’s not difficult to find difficult situations that can teach children resilience. “You don’t have to insert difficult moments. They can’t do a puzzle, they struggle with their math homework, they don’t get invited to a party,” Kennedy says, explaining how they usually come at clips. I will. everytime.
But the hard part is that we don’t immediately try to resolve our children’s painful moments because we hate seeing them struggling or upset.
“If you’re optimizing for short-term comfort, you’re going to resolve the situation,” Kennedy says. And when you do that to your own kids, she says, “they immediately start wrestling with the wire trying to find a solution.” In other words, “their body says, ‘I’m left out of the party.'” Mom threw a bigger party than that kid’s birthday. “I can’t do the puzzle. My dad completed it for me,” she explains, and such interventions build a set of expectations for children in the world.
“Fast forward many years and if this is a pattern, when my child is late for a flight, my 25-year-old throws a tantrum and calls me and I personally rebook him on another flight. They’ll expect you to pay for it.” They do this because their bodies are saying, “I’m suffering and my parents are going to give me a solution right away.” ”
Instead, consider giving your child a chance to work through the difficult parts and find their own solutions. “Learning how to fight is so important, so you can be successful,” Kennedy says. “The better you are at struggling, but not in a harmful way, the more resilient you are. So I look at that as a guideline.”
The wiring method to increase elasticity is as follows
“I hate not being able to implement,” Kennedy says. So she suggests two elements that can help parents build resilience in their children each time they overcome challenges: validation and competency.
The first step in testing is to verify that the child is upset. You can do that by simply saying, “Oh, it stinks.”
“‘Oh, it stinks’ is the most underrated phrase in parenting,” she says. “My parents always expect me to say very sophisticated things, like, ‘Oh, that stinks. Oh, that sucks,'” but still get the job done.
Next is the “reflection ability” part. It’s when you say something to the effect of, “‘I know we can get through this.'” My child can’t do puzzles. “Oh, you’re right. This puzzle is really hard. If I just take a deep breath, I know I can keep doing it.” It’s important to give your child long-term recovery, not short-term, instant gratification. It brings strength,” she says.
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